Behind the Helm
by Gwynevere's Jet-Puffed Funbags
Summary: In a far off land of Lothric, the identities of the three golden Winged Knights are finally revealed. This is clearly a cancerous sh*tpost, nothing to be offended over. Rated M due to the nature of the content. In other words... LOTHRIC WINGED KNIGHT FACE REVEAL PRANK IN THE HOOD (GONE WRONG) (GONE SEXUAL) (GONE RIGHT) (GONE LEFT) (GONE UP) (GONE ISLAMIC) (GONE STOMEDY)


This is the story of the three angelic, overweight losers that hang around the spires of Lothric Castle. Who are these people? Why do they drop such a high amount of souls? How did they form their trio? Perhaps no one would ever know, until Miyazaki himself called me up and started urgently telling me information regarding the Winged Knights, otherwise known as Patso, Sasi, and Binkie-Bunkleton. I could have just written the call of as just another stupid thing Miyazaki would do after doing over ten lines of cocaine, but didn't since it _is_ in fact ground-breaking lore that's about to have its own nine-part lore series by Vaati-Vidya, the Keemstar of the Souls franchise.

You, the reader, are probably wondering why I'm still rambling about, and it's for that sweet, sweet word count you fucking degenerate _muffin_.

Disregarding my shitty insults and excuses for being a bad writer, I present you with:

 _Patso, Sasi, and Binkie-Bunkleton, a History_.

* * *

...

Part One: Patso (Pot-so)

Once upon a time, in the far off land of America, (Very far away from Lothric, mind,) there lived a man named Joey. Joey was about as unhealthy and cancerous as a Tumblr feminazi, with rancid, unnaturally yellow teeth, and the weight of a medium-sized beached whale. His fat folds literally ran down his chest like Niagra falls, a constant, never ending stream of cholesterol.

Joey's sole, depressing existence was justified by his purpose in life, recording himself eating fast food in his Goddamn car.

One calm, April morning, Joey was making his usual run to Taco Bell. He had plans for the day, and that was to eat, review, criticize, evaluate, and shit out the "Beefy Nacho Loaded Griller", the "Potato 'n Eggs Breakfast Burrito", and the new and improved "Hitler's Oven" spicy sauce, said to make even Mexican people crumble.

As Joey made a left turn and pulled into the Taco Bell parking lot, he started to notice an uncomfortable tension in his chest. Perhaps it was heartburn from last night's spicy general Tso's chicken from _Mau's Fucking Kitchen_.

After Joey made his order into the machine, he then placed a foot on the gas pedal and slowly moseyed over to the window where you pay for your food.

As Joey appeared in front of the window he was greeted by a middle-aged woman who looked like she used the $7.00 an hour to feed her family.

"Is you the guy who ordered the two burritos plus the extra spicy sauce and a large Diet Pepsi?" The woman asked.

"Yes, in fact, I'm Joey, from Joey's World Tour here, about to give my fans another super cool food review!" Joey replied with a smile.

"Well, that's really great and all, but I'm going to need your welfare money so you can pay for your food." The lady said.

"Not a problem!" Joey said, reaching around his massive belly to get his wallet.

Joey then noticed that the tension in his chest had evolved into some sort of pain. It was also spreading into his left arm.

Maybe along with the heartburn, the pain in his left arm was just from having intercourse with his 2-D girlfriend last night.

After picking up the large amount of food from the second window, Joey circled around the Taco Bell to find a handicapped parking space, shoved all of his trash from the passenger's side of his car to the floor to make his car look more presentable, and propped his phone on the dashboard of his car, all the while ignoring the pain that was rapidly taking ahold of his entire body, only to loiter in the Taco Bell parking lot for around fifteen minutes.

"Hey guys! It's Joey's World Tour bringing you another-"

Joey would have continued on if not for the unfortunate occurrence of him fucking flat-lining in his own damn car.

After Joey had the heart attack, and the last breath of life exited his esophagus, his head hit the wheel of his car and he died.

Joey would be the first to wake up in another universe, as his dedication caught the attention of an angel.

...

Part Two: Sasi (Sah-zee)

Once upon a time, there lived a woman more commonly known as her nickname, Trigglypuff. No one, to this day knows her actual identity, and maybe it should be left like that. Anyway, Trigglypuff attended a UMASS event one day only to be #triggered. Her case of triggering was so bad, it in fact even trumped Onision's.

Trigglypuff then had an epiphany.

She sat alone, in her dark room, the only noise being her oscillating fan and the occasional click of a mouse, the flashes of blue light from her MacBook eliminating the room."

She was almost finished with her 30,000 word essay on how every female in the world needs feminism and how male people are the literal shit of Satan so she could post it to Tumblr when a realization came upon her.

"Am I..."

"...Maybe overdoing this?"

Trigglypuff knew what she was thinking was a rebellion in her community where thought crimes are put in a positive light, and then she wondered how her group could honestly say they advocate free speech while at the same time take it upon themselves to shame anyone who tries to criticize them.

Trigglypuff was under an immense amount of emotional backlash at her gaining of common sense.

Trigglypuff decided to go get a burger at McDonalds and honestly think about her ideology.

She never made it McDonalds, for she died when she crashed into a brick wall behind the McDonalds. Lol get rekt fagit.

In the end, her heart was pure, which caught the angel's attention.

...

Part Three: Binkie-Bunkleton (idk)

Once upon a time, there lived a man named Roman.

Roman had a YouTube channel and he frequently uploaded cancer.

Though, after squealing like a pig (in Russian) into a microphone, he looked at down at his fat, greasy body and decided that he was in fact otherkin and that he should spend the rest of his days among the pigs, wallowing in mud.

After driving to the nearest farm just outside his urban home, he happily exited his car and crawled on all fours over to the pig pen.

Little did Roman know, there were some degenerate kids out tipping cows for the fun of it, and unfortunately, Roman made the terrible mistake of wandering into the cow pen instead of the pig pen with his rightful otherkin and just plain pig brothers.

Since Roman blended so well in with the rest of the cows (he was wearing a white shirt,) a kid knocked a cow over, and the cow landed on Roman, almost crushing his ribcage, and he couldn't move.

The faggots who pushed the cow laughed as they unwittingly caused NFKRZ's to slowly drown, facedown in the mud.

An angel noticed NFKRZ purely out of the fact that he had a capable, fat, greasy body and he could put it to good use.

...

There was silence.

Then, almost to the affect of shattering glass, a bell tolled.

This bell was easily recognized as the same sound file used in Bloodborne. 420/69 - IGN best game.

From three graves, each placed next to each other, three people, in standard metal armor given to them at burial, warped into the shape of a Catarina Knight's involuntarily by the wearer's ungodly amount of fat, slowly rose.

The ringing subsided.

Almost immediaty after the three had risen from the dead, an angel appeared to them and spoke.

"You three have been chosen for your supreme bodies and intellect. You three were looked upon as the driving force of the warriors who serve the angels, by the angels themselves. Alas there is little time to explain your new duties, but you'll figure that out on your own."

The angel pointed to the wings the sprouted from the backs of the three fatsos and did a hand motion signifying for them to follow.

Halfway through following the angel, a castle appeared on the horizon.

"Hey!" Trigglypuff shouted over the wind to her companions. "Is this our destination?"

"Has to be." NFKRZ replied.

Joey just mumbled to himself about how he never got to upload a video or somesuch.

About ten minutes later the angel stopped and formally introduced himself and theplace they landed on.

"This, friends, is Lothric Castle. We, the Winged Knights, reside here despite it being heretical to worship angels instead of the sun. Our sacred duty is guard this place and protect the honor of the angels, the Winged Knights, and fat fetishists like my friend Miyazaki."

The angel opened up an illusionary wall at the base of the spire built on top of the Grand Archives. In the wall were three racked weapons, all golden and bearing inscriptions.

The he angel took a halberd of the wall and approached Joey with it.

"Joey, I present you the weapon of an ancient Winged Knight who honorably left the service to work as a Minecraft let's player. "

"His name was Patso, as inscribed on the blade, and he left it behind to fall into the possession of a worthy successor. You will now be called Patso. "

"And on to you." The angel gave Trigglypuff two axes. "I saw your technique of waving your arms up and down. You would truly benefit from a dual weapon, just like the legendary warrior Sasi did. You will be renamed Sasi."

"And finally, for you, Roman, just take Binkie-Bunkleton's halberd. It's a shame I have to waste it on you but, after all, I'm on a damn time crunch here and no one as fat as you died at the same time as these two warriors. It'll be weird referring to you as Binkie-Bunkleton from now on."

Suddenly. the angel rose into the air.

"Warriors of the messengers of the gods! You know your duty, and are perfectly fit to do your duty. You have entered the covenant of the Winged Knights, a covenant available only to the lucky fat few chosen to serve the angels! This covenant changes the property of your souls, making them grow not by how many you collect but by how much food your fucking fatass eats. For every time you protect this spire, one BigMac will be given to you as a reward. Do what you like with it."

The angel vaporized into golden light and left the three fat warriors there on the spire, shackled to it by their desire for more BigMacs.

...

The three looked awkwardly around at each other.

"Yay! BigMacs!" Joey exclaimed.


End file.
